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Once as a young altar boy, I caught a glimpse of heaven. It was late fall, and I had drawn the assignment of serving the 6 a.m. Mass before school.
On the altar, I knelt on the left side of the priest, facing the tabernacle. A few nuns sat in the first pew, and a handful of old folks dotted the church. In front of me, a set of tall stained glass windows filled my view. Their deep colors awaited the sunrise to awaken their breathtaking beauty.
In the course of that Mass, I was drawn into a state of reverential bliss. The priest and congregation seemed to fade away until it was just God and me. A sense of overwhelming peace filled my entire being. Never before had I experienced such a profound presence of Jesus in my life.
Sowing Trouble.
As the years passed, an intoxicating cloud obscured that heavenly light. Out of school and heady with freedom, opportunity, and a good salary, I began to drink. The mantra of the day was “if it feels good, do it”—and I did. Alcohol helped me do it better, I believed. The liquid courage seemed to make me a better dancer, a more desired lover. Why, it even put more hair on my head!
Cunning, baffling, and powerful, alcohol cut the brake lines to my conscience. Situations that used to trigger an “all stop” response now signaled “full speed ahead.” I did things I would come to regret.
But during that period, God brought a wonderful woman into my life, his most precious gift to me. We were married, and after three years our first child arrived. Unfortunately, so did my alcoholism. Celebrations turned to confrontations, happy times to hard times, and trust to disgust.
We were on the brink of divorce when my wife said to me, “Bud, you are the most disgusting human being I’ve ever known.” I looked down at our six-month-old baby and asked myself, “What kind of a father do I want him to see me as?” This, plus a family intervention, left me no option but Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).
Called by Name.
Half-heartedly at first, I embarked on the journey of the 12 Steps. Slowly, I accepted God’s help and put my addiction in his hands. The fifth step was the hardest: admitting to God, to myself, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs. As a Catholic, I knew I needed Confession, but I felt too ashamed and afraid to face my Creator. Finally, my deep desire to be made clean overpowered my cowardice. Trembling, I sat down with our priest, surrendered to God, and felt the tender touch of the Good Shepherd cleanse my soul.
Freed of my heaviest burdens, I resumed the path to that peace I had tasted as a young altar boy. My best friend in AA, Paul, introduced me to various spiritual activities, and my faith grew. So did the happiness in our home.
In March 2001, during an AA retreat that Paul had arranged, I experienced the Holy Spirit flooding into me and offering me a sort of covenant: If I lived the best I could, with honesty, purity, unselfishness, and love, God would call me by name at the end of time. Overwhelmed by my Creator’s intense love for me, I responded, “Absolutely!” With his grace, I made more changes in my life and committed myself to helping save the lives and souls of alcoholics, including myself.
There followed four and a half years of renewed family life and other great blessings. And then one morning, as I sat sipping coffee, I had a premonition that my deepening faith and reaching out to alcoholics had been a preparation for a monumental test. I was right.
The Next Right Thing.
Actions have consequences, and after so many years, my “minor indiscretions” finally caught up with me. My past misdeeds that I had once dismissed as merely improper turned out to be illegal. People I had angered in my long-ago drinking episodes emerged and took me to court.
“No big deal,” my lawyer assured me, saying that he had worked things out with the judge and I would likely get probation. And so I was totally unprepared for the prison sentence I got instead. I was numb with shock. It was bizarre, unreal. But though my brain said “no,” the feel of steel tightly clenching my wrists said “yes.” As I was led out of the courtroom, my eyes locked onto my wife’s. She, too, was in a state of shock.
Being torn like this from my family, my company, my AA friends, and my church brought crushing loads of shame and humiliation. I grieved for my wife and children, the innocent victims of my wrongdoing. Lord, please be merciful to them and provide for their needs.
Now more than ever, I had to be willing to trust God. It was no easy thing. Dignity, respect, and understanding are in short supply for the incarcerated, and I felt like no more than slime. How could I ever be worthy again?
Paul would often tell me, “Just do the next right thing.” But what was that? I fell to my knees in agonizing surrender and prayed, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change… . ” And then I knew: The next right thing was to accept my incarceration as part of his divine plan and use it to serve him.
Here I Am, Lord!
In my first prison cell, I had a bunkmate, a Bible, and a ton of time. As I read, the Holy Spirit kindled a fire in my soul and gave me insights that I shared with my roommate.
Benny, another inmate, asked me what book I was reading every day during our recreation hour. When I told him, he confided that he had always wanted to read the Bible but didn’t know how to read. By the time I was moved to another institution, Benny had become well acquainted with Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and the Acts of the Apostles, as well as the basics of AA. He was grateful, and I was blessed.
The transfer to my present facility was a blessing. It is a smaller, dorm-style institution for older inmates. Here there is no red tape and no long waiting for permission to attend Mass. There are numerous programs, including AA meetings, to help us better know our Creator and our fellow inmates.
But life isn’t perfect here. Frustration and despair occasionally boil over into arguments, tirades of profanity, and fights. A simple disagreement over a TV program can become the catalyst for a meltdown. In those situations, I pray for God’s mercy and peace. When the storm has subsided, a gentle pat on the shoulder goes a long way to letting a dispirited inmate know that he is still cared for and worthy of respect.
Sharing what God has given me—carrying the message of sobriety and salvation in a compassionate and loving way—has become a way of life. Here I have many opportunities and the promise of a plentiful crop, ripe for the Lord’s harvest.
Every night at “lights out,” I close my eyes in the semi-darkness and see those pre-dawn stained glass windows of my youth. And again, the loving heart of Jesus grants me peace and gives me rest for another day.
*Bud E. is “a grateful recovering alcoholic.”
May the Lord bless you in your work, spreading the good news of Christ and the message of sobriety. I pray for you, your family, and the staff and inmates at your facility. I pray your family is coping as well as you. While the transgression was omitted, perhaps intentionally, I can’t help wondering if sharing it may help others in examining their lives.
God bless.
I thank God 4 ur life & 4 what he had taken through,4 we are made 2 understand dat everything happen in his own will & not ours.i pray dat may continue 2 give u de grace 2 carry out his word & use u 2 reach 2 those who dont believe in him.& also 4 God guide,protect & provide 4 ur family.
Your story has certainly touched my heart to keep you and your family in my prayer.
There is no evil from which good cannot come; I pray that as you are now a better person doing good, that so also your family is experiencing good things—maybe that someday soon you can be reunited.
Ben,
As a former altar boy, I deeply connected with the opening of your story as it occured on the altar that day in your youth. As a less than sterling father and husband, I, too, connected with your lovely marriage and family. Amazing, the marriage and family was never lost, just “interupted.” Same here. I never did time, however, I did the time of being alone through divorce in order to look at and improve myself as human being with more self-respect. After eight years of divorce, my wife and familly are back together again of this March, 2010.
A happenstance pilgrimage (due in most part to our WAU magazine) to Liseux, France, may, in part, be responsible for my reuniting. As I visited with St. Therese of Liseux, I prayed to her to reunite my family, along with another request. My first request was granted.
Now, Ben, I come to you. I am asking you to pray for my return to a professional acting career in film and television. It has been my calling ever since I was fifteen years old. Although I have appeared in many TV shows, films, and stage productions, I never really succeeded the way I wanted. This time, I will pursue my vocation with God’s help and blessings. I really do need to use the talents God gave me. This is where you come in, Ben. I would like to ask you to pray to our Lord to assist me in doing so (providing it is His will).
I will continue to pray for YOU and your heartfelt desires.
May God continue to bless you, Ben, and I thank Him for your courage to write and share this story of your life so that I may authentically take a look at mine as I commit my life unto His will.
God bless you and your family.
Sincerely,
Richard
Your courage and strength you have accepted from the Lord is an inspiration to many. I shared your story with my son who is a recovering addict. This reinforces to him and to me never give up. Thank you
I, too, am “a grateful recovering alcoholic” whose addiction led to a conviction which led to incarceration. I have since been freed from prison. Jesus continues to free me daily from addiction.
I give the glory to Jesus, but I also thank our Mother Mary, our sister Therese of Liseaux, our brother Francis, the Catholic volunteers and priests who came to visit and minister to us, and all the saints on earth and in heaven who prayed.
Thank you, Bud, for sharing your story. Thank you, WAU, for publishing it. Thank you for the copies of WAU that kept me daily connected not only with God’s Word, but with my family, the Catholic Church, during a time of absolute brokenness. Thank you to all who support WAU for allowing them to do so.
Before I was arrested, I knew I needed help. I cried out to God and I believe prison was his direct answer. I was broken. I was ashamed. But I was fortunate - I was never without hope. I realized my first day that the concrete and barbed wire might be able to keep me in, but it could never keep Jesus out. He used the repercussions of my sin for intense restoration and reformation. Glory be to God!
i am happy for you Bud, happy for what God has done in your life and what he has used you to do in others lives as well. happy the way u r taking everything. your story is really inspiring, touching and capable of not only converting hardened hearts but also encouraging people like myself who want to serve God but r weak in the flesh. God i know will surely sustain your family and wil not let you die in prison so that you will come out and share yur story with more people. i have resolved to be a partner in evangelism and hope to get others within my reach to join too esp familly members. may God help us all thru the intercession of our Mother Mary. Amen!
Thank-you Bud for sharing your story. May God Bless you and your family. I intend to share this resding with my 23 year old son who has been in AA for 9months . Before that he was into drugs and alcohol.Addiction runs high in both our families .I’ll pray for you and your family every night.
A grateful Al-Anon member of many years and it makes my heart very grateful when I see AA members share their story.
I have been in prison ministry (Kairos) for more than 20 years, but now I am getting old, 88th birthday last month, and the Kairos ministry is getting to be more than I can handle. I would like to get involved in the program that sends Word Among Us to prisoners. Can you give me some information about how I can do this? Thank you. Peter
Thank God for AA and for the confessor who gave me as a penance to go to an AA meeting. It was 23 years ago. So wonderful to read your story, thanks so much for sharing it. God certainly has been generous with me in spite of my alcoholism and selfishness. When I had a bad accident and had to stop driving about 4 years ago, it was so much easier to be able to say “I’ve had my share of driving” as I learned at AA meetings about alcohol. God bless you and your family and reunite you soon if it hasn’t already happened. Let us hear more. Helen
I get the Word among us, and loved this story. At the end it says"For a longer version of his story, wisit www. waupartners.com Could you please tell me where the longer story is?
Thanks!
Bud-
“Just Do the Next Right Thing.” This title has really stuck with me. I find that eat easily comes to the front of my mind if I am feeling challenged. And it really does help me to make the subsequent action or thought one that is good. Thank you for this “mantra.” I imagine I will be using it for the remainder of my life to help guide me.
May God continue to bless you and the people you come in contact with!
Bud, Amazing story. Yes, at times, MATERIALISM BLINDS US from SPIRITUAL ISM. But HE never abandons us. HE created us for purpose. You showed your love to HIM in your childhood days, but He never discarded you when you strayed away!!! HIS Mercy is with you.